Toughest Life Journey

 

Hi, my name is Oktaviani, I will write a little story about my journey through life before the campus search.

It started in 2018 when I entered the final grade in high school. BTW, I'm quite an ambitious kid when it comes to lessons and that will influence most of my story. One day, he finished performing the Zuhur prayer in congregation at school. I met 2 older brothers who were promoting the tutoring site to prepare for entering the official school. All his statements really intrigued me. How come? The official school offers free of charge, after graduation guaranteed to immediately become a civil servant, free lecture tools, etc. The older brother gave a free seminar about the introduction of the official school, of course, it was also seasoned with the promotion of the tutoring place.

After school I immediately told my mother about the seminar. My mother agreed and 2 days later we went to the seminar. Wow..events that are arranged and arranged in a luxurious and neat way really amaze me. I didn't think the tuition fee was very high, some reaching 2 points. I also thought about going back, because I didn't want to bother my parents and chose to study in my hometown instead. Arriving at my mother's house instead offered me to tutor there with the lure of "try it first". Of course I immediately refused with questions such as "what if you don't pass", "the pay is expensive, what if you end up wasting your money". but my mom convinced me to just go in because we never know if we don't try. With all the considerations and istikharah prayers I ventured to register.

First day of learning. I feel insecure because I see my friends who are very fluent in answering questions. I feel I'm the least able to do anything. I started to stress and overthinking. I began to study hard so as not to be left behind. Every night I open my book and start working on the questions so that later if I don't understand something I can ask my tutor.

Days go by without a day without learning that is what has always been my daily activity. Tired? Certainly. Not only the official school test, the national exam was one of my fatigue. I remember once, I once cried at school because there was an official school try out. I was afraid I wouldn't graduate again. My friend asked me why? I just kept quiet, because it was useless if I said the reason because I was traumatized. My friend once told me that you cry about things like that, what will happen when you are in college. My heart ached to hear his words. How could he so lightly say that. At least if you can't help or can't say something good, it's better to stay silent. This is also a lesson for me that "we will never understand someone's pain until we feel it"

Registration for SNMPTN and UMPTKIN arrived. I was not at all interested in registering because I only had one goal, namely the STAN official school. I don't want anything else, yeah.. I was pretty stubborn at the time. When my other friends are busy taking care of registration I'm busy studying hahaha if I remember it, it's very funny. It also taught me that we shouldn't hope as if it was our destiny, sounds very insecure doesn't it? But that's the harsh reality. That experience also taught me that to be ready for the second choice, don't hope for only choice 1 because there are many possibilities that God has arranged which of course are better than human plans themselves.

The official school test is getting closer, my study hours are getting tighter, I make sure I learn all the topics well, I understand and memorize quick math formulas, grammar formulas, articles of the 1945 Constitution, etc. I have also started physical exercise. Every morning and evening I go to the field to run and practice shuttle runs. My life is like a book. Book sleep. Every night I always think what if later I don't pass. My mother paid a lot of money, I would feel very guilty if I didn't pass, but that's what motivates me to keep studying.

July 5, 2019 the day of my struggle to study day and night, coincided on Friday, after the morning prayer I immediately left with my brother and father. Oh my god, I'm so nervous, questions always pop up in my head, what if my grades don't meet the passing grade? What if there is something left that I only realized after I got there Ahhh I really can't help but think about it all. I tried to get rid of the bad thought, but it kept getting stuck in my head.

When we got there, only 1 person came. One day there were 3 sessions and I happened to get the first session so in the morning my head was still cold to work on the questions that I would face. After waiting for a while the test takers began to appear, the field was filled with white shirts and black bottoms. Before entering the room there are some very strict checks. I think there are 4 stages, such as checking data, checking bags, re-checking, and finally checking the body if something is stuck to the body with the aim of cheating during the test. Finally arrived at a very large room at the time of the session there were about 60 people.

I sat on the bench according to the number listed, I moved the mouse to make sure that all the tools were running properly. I said bismillah and started working on the questions. I think the questions I'm working on are not as difficult as the try out questions at the tutoring center. It turns out that the purpose of tutoring is to give difficult try-out questions so that you get used to working on difficult and easy questions later. For more than 2 hours sitting without a break to work and the cold room filled with AC makes me always want to pee. Thank God I did it patiently and it turned out that in the room there were 5 people working and that included me, but I instilled in myself that I shouldn't be in a hurry to do it. Finally the time is up. Oh my god.. my head hurts so bad after working on these questions I feel like I just want to faint.

I left the room and immediately met my friend salsa, Alhamdulillah out of 60 people only 5 passed stage 1 and that includes me and my salsa comrades in arms.

Thank God we are very happy. Never stop giving thanks. We also took pictures for memories.

The struggle is not over yet there is still phase 2, namely psychological tests and health tests. It turned out that the participants who passed stage 1 did not fully progress to stage 2 because there was an appeal in grades at stage 1. At that time I was really scared. Announcement towards stage 2 about 1 month of course it is very time consuming. I am very jealous to see my friends who have done new student orientation on campus while I stay at home waiting for uncertainty. Every morning I force myself to run early. I was really tired at that time going to tutoring, jogging, and studying at home. I was really stressed at that time my routine was just that every day. I feel no one to strengthen me I just walk alone to face all these problems.

The announcement of the 2nd stage of the test is always postponed. I'm really confused whether I can go to college this year or not. I want to register at another campus but what can we do where registration has closed and orientation has started. I was crying so hard why I didn't enroll in another college as a backup.

I negotiated with my parents what would happen if I didn't pass in stage 2. Would I be gapyear or take an English course in Pare. Then my parents suggested to just take a course. I also feel calmer than before.

Qadarullah I received information that there is still registration at the independent track ulm majoring in accounting. I was very happy at that time even though the registration closing period was already h-1. I prepare files in the evening until midnight. The next morning I went to ulm and signed up. After waiting in line for quite a while it was my turn. Suddenly I got a call from my mother that I was not allowed to register. My mother told me to just gap year and take a course. Then I reluctantly agreed. On the way while driving a motorbike my tears are flowing. I'm confused, scared why my life is like this what have I done so that I get into too many problems and barrage.

After waiting for a long time, finally the announcement of the test for stage 2 was announced. Of the more than 134,000 participants who passed only 8,000. Me and my comrade salsa we passed Alhamdulillah. We can't stop saying thank you, God. But we can't be happy just yet because the second stage of the test is a health test and a shuttle run. It turned out that the phase 2 test was carried out in Balikpapan. Of course it also costs money. Again I felt uncomfortable with my parents.

August 25, 2019 my mother and I left for Balikpapan. I'm ready physically and mentally. I have everything ready. I don't forget to always pray for ease in all matters. My actual test date is August 27, I'm leaving first so that later I won't be tired I stay at a hotel why do I always feel uncomfortable I always sleep all day. I feel very tired and irritable. But I tried to stay calm.

27 August 2019 medical test. Salsa and I came at dawn so we wouldn't run too late. Thank God we got the first session. Before starting the run and the shuttle run we were checked one by one about the health of the body, the checks were quite strict. I was very surprised because there was a hemorrhoid check and thankfully I was healthy. After checking we were ready to run. I don't know why when I was there I was only strong for 4 rounds, usually when I practiced I was strong for 5-6 rounds. But I think that's the important thing I've tried. That's the picture where I did the test.

August 28, 2019 psychological test. Flying hours to study the psychological test I think at that time was sufficient. Arriving at the test site I was calmer than the previous test. This is a pict when we waited for psychological test.

When I entered the room I was very cold. This greatly affects my performance. As usual I always check the computer and mouse to make sure everything is safe. I said bismillah and started working on the questions. Wow, because it really drains my brain. Time is very limited and complicated questions require me to think quickly and precisely.

The next day I went home with my mother. Everything that initially felt heavy in the head is now gone and very light. I feel alive again after my long struggle. I leave everything to God.

While waiting for the final announcement, I intensified my prayers and worship. If it is not sustenance, God willing, I will accept it.

September 7th announcement and I was declared NOT PASSED. Oh my god my heart was broken once I cried so hard. The hope I built just disappeared. I'm too sick to accept the harsh reality I'm not ready, why, God. From night to dawn my tears are flowing.

In the morning to calm myself I took my friend for a swim. On the way I fell off the motorbike. I didn't feel anything, the pain in my leg beat the pain in my heart. I was brought by good people to my house. When I got home I fainted and was taken to the hospital.

I thought why don't I just die, I've already troubled people too much. I'm really tired all I want is to give up and disappear from this world. If suicide didn't go to hell maybe by that time I would have done it.

I'm really stressed at home. I asked my mother to promise that I wanted a course in bitter melon but apparently I didn't get permission. I went on hunger strike for 3 days and then my parents agreed. On October 8th I went to Pare and took a 3 month course. There was enough to treat my pain because there were many who had the same fate as me. I don't feel alone and have friends.

 

The news of Covid has arrived. My intention to register was destroyed because the registration was closed. My 2 year wait was wasted. I try to make peace, accept that not all hope will be my destiny. I'm trying to enroll in many colleges so that last year's incident doesn't happen again.

Thank God I graduated at ULM, but the very high UKT hindered me. I don't like my parents who have paid a lot for me. Then I tried to register at UIN. Thank God I was accepted in my current department, namely English Language Study Program. At first I accepted it half-heartedly because this was not my will. But I try to accept it because maybe this has become my destiny.

Thank God I now have a lot of life experiences. I now understand why I graduated at UIN. There are many things to be grateful for here. Alhamdulillah.